My Truth in April-Shigatsu wa Watashi no Shinjitsu
by Feelism
Summary: The story start near the end of Your Lie in April. How Kousei action affect the outcome? What Kaori must face in her fresh new life? What Kaori past action affect the other cast? A musician must struggle until their end! A new journey await!
1. Chapter 0 : Prologue

**Shigatsu wa Watashi no Shinjitsu**  
 **My Truth in April**

 **Chapter 0 : Prologue - Spring Storm**

 _Dum dam da! Da da dum dum!_

The sound of the piano echo through the hall. Everyone were moved from his performance.

Chopin's Ballade no.1 in G minor, Op. 23.

This Ballade was created by Chopin in his sorrow and loneliness during a war. Indeed this is very fitting for Arima's state right now.

Gratitude.

Sorrow.

Hope.

All of this was channeled to his performances. Anyone who watch and hear his performance can see, how Arima was a mirror image to Chopin right now.

 _What a beautiful sound._

 _This is beautiful Arima-sensei._

 _You're bursting with color!_

 _Arima!_

 _Arima!_

 _Arima!_

One could say that if he keep performing at this level, he will surely win the competition for sure.

But they don't know, what's going on in his head right now.

* * *

I play with all my might, every feeling I had was poured to my playing. I play for everyone who made my life fuller, they are watching me. I can't let them down.

 _DUM dam da! Da da dum dum!_

This is the sound mom gave me.

The sound Tsubaki and Watari found for me.

The sound that everyone create for me.

However, in the top of my mind, there is you, Miyazono Kaori.

You dragged me to music again. You gave me color to my monochrome world. You forcibly make me face my past. You push me to dream again.

You...

You...

You...

It's all your fault.

Now if I remember everything I do, whatever I did, all of it rooted back to you. Your happiness and sorrow, your hope and despair, all of them make me playing again on stage. Every single pieces, every single notes, every single keys I play, it's remind me of you.

 _Don't leave me alone._

No way I'm gonna leave you alone.

Reach her! Reach her!

I'm giving on everything I have!

Reach her! Reach her! Reach her! REACH HER!

Just kick your illness to the curb!

And then, one more time we'll...

As I pound everything to my play, snow began falling. I wonder where all of this snow come from? They are not heavy or hinder my playing. Just like when I carry you to the rooftop, so light and fragile like a snow.

 _Thank you._

The scenery began to change. As the sky look as clear as sea, you begin appearing in my mind. You happily ready your violin, smiling at me brightly.

You start playing the violin version of the Chopin, beautifully.

The sound of the violin echo in my mind. It was very well mixed with my piano performance. It was actually very weird, as you are never train with me to play this Chopin or even you do, this piece is used for solo performance. Yet right now we were like the greatest duo ever setting foot on stage.

But...

Is this what you mean to play with me on stage again!?

Oi, oi! Aren't you dream to waltzing with me again!?

 _Kaori had given up and stopped believing in herself, but thanks to you she get up again._

 _Your devotion was what struck Kaori a chord in her heart._

It's what your parents tell me a lie!? Aren't you supposed to get up again!?

You kept playing the violin, perfectly. Like you give everything all you got, body and soul for your last performance.

 _We're good at struggling!_

Liar.

 _We risk our life to struggle because we're musician, remember?_

Liar, you just give up right now!

 _Miracle can happen!_

Liar, right now you stop believing in it!

 _You exist inside me!_

If you want to exist, then play with me in real stage! Stop messing around with my head! This is so pathetic! You're pathetic! After all the mess you did to me, now you want to run away? Take responsibility! You're not _my mom_ , you're exist _beside_ me!

That's right, you're not my mom.

Even both of you are sickly, you have different disease from my mom.

Even both of you are moody, you are like rollercoaster unlike my mom.

Even both of you are violent, you are like rain- as opposed to my mom's thunder.

You like sweets, my mom never ate Watari's candies.

You are Tsubaki's best friend, my mom occasionally yell at her.

You love cat, my mom throw Chelsea away.

And most of all, I in love with you.

 _DUM DANG DANG !_

Rage are filled in my mind. Anger, my anger for you, my anger for _the liar_ that want to bribe me with cheap, magical performance. As I rage, my playing start getting stronger, more emotional, more harsh than before.

You look surprised, the troubled expression in your face write it all. It like you tell me that "this is not how it was supposed to be!"

So, if parting what you want. I will deny it!

That's right, you said I'm a sadist? Then I will deny everything you did right now!

I will keep to deny it!

DENY IT!

* * *

 _DUM DANG DANG !_

The harsh echo vibrate in the air. Indeed, calling it a "sound" was like an insult to music itself. It was so bad and loud that the most accurate description for it is a high pitched frequencies of vibration one after another.

"What is this!?" The judges shocked.

"Arima... your playing... transforming again!?" Aiza Takeshi watching in the waiting room, clinching his teeth.

"This color... aren't the colorful sound like before! Arima-Sensei!" Aiza Nagi confused, unable to enjoy his performance.

"Red, red and red. All the color you produce, are colored in red, Arima!" Igawa Emi trying to perceive his playing.

 _DUM DANG DANG !_

"So, this is your answer, Kousei? This Ballade, are tainted in anger for someone!" Hiroko Seto crying and laughing, for whatever reason. "Indeed, you became a weird pianist, Kousei!"

"Kousei...!" Tsubaki look worried.

"Kousei..." Watari too.

"..." Everyone start dumbfounded to sudden change in Arima playing. It's only natural, after all Arima did well in the prelims.

Indeed, everyone have mixed opinion. But that was not in Arima Kousei worries right now. Right now he was fighting in an ultimate battle to determine his future.

"Tsubaki. Kashiwagi."

"Watari?" The two girls confused.

"Kousei need our help." It was an unusual sight for the two girls that the goofy lady-killer Watari look so determined.

* * *

 _DUM DANG DANG !_

As I started to deny you, I pound the key harshly, angrily. I'm not even care to my performance anymore. You start unable to keep with my fast paced and strong playing. Whenever you start balanced your pace to mine, I will go faster! Until you can't keep up with me anymore!

 _DUM DANG DANG !_

She visibly look troubled. All her notes start scrambling uncontrollably. As she was dropping in sweat, I continue increase my pace.

How is that? Miyazono Kaori? All the time you always in the spotlight. How was it to feel pathetic? How was it to look incompetent? Aren't it frustrate you? Then come! If this your final memory you want to leave inside me, then I will taint it!

This is Arima Kousei you talking about! I'm the guy that touch piano since childhood, I'm the prodigy that everyone look into!

Indeed, right now I'll give everything in my disposal to deny you. Whatever it was my skill, ability, or fame! I'll deny you!

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare you betray our promise!

"ANSWER ME! MIYAZONO KAORI!"

* * *

"Inconceivable!"

"How dare you..."

"How dare you to mock this stage again!? Arima Kousei!" One of the judge, shout out in anger.

Indeed, what I did are unforgivable. Not only I play badly, I'm shouting during my play. That is very disrespectful.

No one even applause.

As I search for my friends, they already gone. I really play _that_ badly huh? Even my friends can't stand to watch it.

But right now, the only applause... the only acknowledgement I want to... are from you, Miyazono Kaori.

I'm started to get up, rushing. I'm not even bow to audience.

"Wait, where are you going!?"

Ahh... that just pile up another disrespectful thing I did in this stage again. I'm not even surprised anymore if I get banned after this.

I rush past the waiting room, right now there is another thing that I need to do.

"Arima-! Oi where are you going!" That was Aiza and Igawa-san, I think they want to say something. I'm not even bothered to answer them.

"..." I can't see what kind of expression that Igawa-san make.

"Arima... Again, What's with your sudden emotion burst all of a sudden?" But I know Aiza make another disappointed look.

As I reach the outside of the hall, I meet them.

"Watari...!"

They were already waiting me in the outside. Both Watari, Tsubaki and even Kawaguchi-san.

"Hop in! Kousei!" Watari ready his motorcycle.

It seems they had been rushing too. I can see Tsubaki drenching in sweat as she gave me a helmet.

"Beat her to the crap! Kousei!" Tsubaki and Kawaguchi-san, encouraging me.

Ahh… What some reliable friends you guys are. I'm ashamed that I even doubt you guys slightly.

Even during performance, you guys keep considering my feeling. Now if I'm thinking about it, every time I reach a dead end, you guys are the one who support me to get up.

During I lost Chelsea.

During my mom's death.

During 2 years I can't play piano.

During my worry to Kaori illness.

You two always there, to support me, to get me up.

"Yeah! I will!"

"Get ready, Kousei! Because right now I will ride this fast and furious!"

"Right- Wait, aren't you need license for this- WHOOOOAAAA!" Watari, without concern to my worry. Just accelerate like he is a pro biker.

"Off they go..."

"Tsubaki... is that okay? Letting your rival like that?"

"Nope... This time, I will let her. Even if I don't, right now all in Kousei mind... just Kao-chan."

"I suppose... you are right..."

Just you wait.

I will not let you go, after all of this!

* * *

Totsuhara University Hospital.

As I rushed to the hospital, I meet Kaori's parents in front of the operation room. It was in the norm- no it was a general rule to not running in a hospital. Before I come, I was arguing with a nurse because she refuse to tell me where her operation being held, after all I'm not a family member. Normally they don't allow non family member visit during a surgery, but it seems the nurse gave up arguing and just let me as an exception, as Watari still stuck with her.

"Ah, Arima-kun..."

"Kaori- our dear Kaori was...!"

I could tell. From their cry, from their look, the operation was not looking good. They already did a good job, after this time they praying and not losing hope for her. It seems they already reach their limit.

I peek from the windowed door. Actually the window are designed to be unable to peek inside, even if I can peek there is definitely a curtain shrouded the operation table. However...

I just barged in. It might be a miracle. After all, it supposed to be locked. To prevent crazy bargainer like me to get inside.

"Defibrillator ready, all clear!"

"1... 2... 3...!"

"Patient's respiratory rate keep dropping down!"

"Clear!"

"Still going down!"

"Clear!"

It was disastrous. The doctor and nurses doing their best to keep Kaori alive, but she keep going down.

This must be a lie.

I can see it clear in my eyes your condition getting down and down.

As I stand frozen, one of the nurse notice me.

"Hey- how did you get in!" The nurse want to shove me outside as I'm distracting them, soon all the other nurses and doctor start notice my presence. Some of them start to drag me outside.

However...

"Don't screw with me! Kaori!"

 _Whether you're sad, you're a mess, or you've hit rock bottom, you still have to play! That's how people like us survive!_

"You told me to never gave up!"

That's right, Miyazono Kaori is a strong girl that will never gave up.

 _Look at me. Look up and look at me. you're always looking down. That's why you're imprisoned inside that cage of music scores._

 _"_ You're the one who told me to look up!"

Miyazono Kaori is a cheerful girl that always face anything head on.

 _I hereby appoint Friend A as my accompanist._

"You're the one who told me to come back to stage again!"

Miyazono Kaori is a forceful girl that will never stop to get what she want.

 _Maybe there's only a dark road up ahead. But you still have to believe and keep going. Believe that the stars will light your path, even a little bit._

"Then face it! Believe it! If there is no light to illuminate your path, I will be your star!"

I deny it. I deny this yourself who easily gave up!

"DO YOU THINK YOU BE ABLE TO FORGET? KAORI!?"

As I said that, some of the nurses drag me outside the operation room. Indeed, no matter whatever the reason letting another person shouting and watching inside a surgery operation is totally unthinkable.

"That boy... until the end still have the faith for Miyazono-san to survive. You're a lucky girl... for there is such person to love you to this extend." It was the person who look like the lead doctor said so.

However, as he said that, he notice Kaori's finger move slightly.

 _Beep... Beep...!_

"Doctor! Her pulse!" One of the nurse, confirm from the monitor.

It's a miracle. After all she already lose her pulse after a few minutes.

In case like hypothermia, a person might able to survive even after 10-20 minutes her heart stop beating.

But that was not the case for Kaori.

In the first place, Kaori sickness aren't that simple. She herself struck with many diseases. One of them are Bone Marrow Disease, a very deadly illness that slowly crumble a person body.

However whatever a coincidence or 1 of 1000 case, the doctor start to had faith again.

"I know! Defibrillator ready, all clear!"

 _Looking at such youthful spirits like him, make me look pathetic. Does not I became a doctor to save lives? Since when I'm started to easily gave up a patient. Arima-kun was it? For such miracle happen in front of my eyes. I will not let this one down!_

After that, the doctor and nurses keep doing their best. A few minutes since I'm dragged out. I heard a loud cheers from the operation room.

Prologue - End

* * *

 **Hello! I'm Feelism! Yup, there is my introduction! Let's just talk about this chapter aren't we! Because introduction are boring!**

 **As you can see, this is not the chapter 1 that gonna start the story. If you guys watch Fate/Stay Night : Unlimited Blade Work (2014), there is an "Episode 0" where the main character are not the actual main protagonist. This is the same case. This chapter is serve as a bridge to the main storyline and the end of Arima Kousei's story aka Your Lie in April.**

 **"Wait are not we read Your Lie in April fanfic?! How do you mean it's an end to Kousei's story?" Ta-da! Good question. Actually this is gonna be the story of the fresh new life of Miyazono Kaori! What will she found and stumble into in her fresh new life? What consequences did she bring after her thoughtless way of life? That's gonna be the main theme! And no, Kousei still gonna be the main character. Don't worry!**

 **As this chapter, the theme are "denial". It was created to be the opposite of the final episode/chapter "acceptance". It also supposed to be an embodiment of the broken heart fan base. (Just kidding!)**

 **Until next time! See ya!**


	2. Chapter 1 : Again

**Chapter 1 : Again**

 _I'm sorry._

 _Kaori, our dear Kaori...!_

 _She didn't have any more time..._

 _As her parents, you must give her the most fulfilling live she ever had..._

It was after I overheard my parents crying. When the doctor gave me permission to leave the hospital, but I don't feel like it so I came back to my room. Then, I overheard my parents and doctor conversation. I already suspected it was the case. However, hearing it with your own ears can't be more hurt.

No matter what the case.

Even you already suspected it.

Even you already resolve your heart for it.

Even you already try to life without regret.

You will never be able to prepare for it.

You will never be able to face your own death.

Every single time, every single person.

Many people can't take their own problem, so they choose to suicide. And I do, I can't take my own problem.

No matter how hard I put this mask.

No matter how I force myself to smile.

No matter how strong I try to be.

No matter how beautiful I try to decorate my lie.

It was always, there is the time I'm breaking down.

But... in case like mine. How am I supposed to do, when the problem is _death_ itself?

I'm scared!

I'm scared!

Someone, please save me!

It was you, the very person I try to save, the very person I look into. That save me, Arima Kousei.

Whenever I break, many time I fall, it was you- who lean your back to me. It was you that give me place to live.

That's why, the moment I gave up on everything, the moment I accept my own end. I want to share my last moment with you, Arima Kousei.

Yet, you ask me to face all those problem again. You keep deny me, like I'm a worthless violinist. It was like I'm not worth your attention. How could you try to shame me in my last moment!?

You are a cruel boy, Arima Kousei.

The most cruel person I ever met.

The sweetest boy I ever talk to.

* * *

Monday, 19 February

The sound of TV and air conditioner ringing inside my ears. I can hear many laughter, the laughter that coming from the TV and the one coming from people nearby. It seems it was a comedy show.

As I try to open my eyes, everything feel hazy. I can't see very well, but I also really excited to wake up. I'm never feel this energetic for morning before.

The sea of black space started to burst out. A small light coming from the middle of the dark void, it getting bigger and bigger- slowly overtake the dark sea. It's like the big bang.

Color started to appear.

The very first thing I see is the TV, it was designed for patients to watch the TV without leaving their bed.

It was very familiar room. The room design are very simple, it look like your typical VIP hospital room. Indeed, because I spent my last years in this room it started to feel like my own room.

As I try to search for something, I found my friends chatting and laughing together. They also seems playing some kind of customized Big Two.

They wear a familiar clothing, Sumitani Middle School uniform. The dull gray jacket and light blue shirt that give an impression of diligence, yet the bright red and white tie that contrasting with the dull color give a sense of playfulness.

"Yo! Kaori-chaaan!" the only boy of the group, greeted me with a bright smile.

"Morning, but I suppose it already afternoon." The diligent looking girl greeted me with an evil smile, it give me a chill. Then I realize she holding three pokers in her hand.

"Ah finally! Sleepy head! About time!" the other girl are a total contrast with the diligent one, she is very energetic and charming. It seems she also had an ace in the sleeve too, as she grip the cards like her life depend on it.

They are my friends; Watari-kun, Kawaguchi and Tsubaki-chan.

"Full house! I win!" Kawaguchi sent a full house, among them is a poker. I think she also had other pokers so it pretty much guaranteed that she will win the match.

"Not so fast! Straight Flush!" Unexpectedly, Tsubaki-chan have Straight Flush- a very rare and the strongest combo.

"Ahhhh! No way, a Straight Flush!? How could I lose to this lovestruck girl!"

"I'm NOT lovestruck!"

Looking their fun and easy going scenery after waking up can't be any better. It give a very healthy aura to sickly person such as myself.

But, I didn't see him.

The very person that I cling all my life into.

The very person that I gave my all into.

The very person that I want to spent my last time with.

No matter how I try to search him, I can't find him.

No…

Actually I try to avoid him.

No matter how hard I try to search for him, there is the spot, a certain angle that I'm try to avoid.

Indeed, in this state I can't face to see him.

Everything will be awkward for me.

It will be totally uncomfortable for me.

If I face him right now. I'll…

I'll…

I'll….!

"Welcome back."

Burst into tears.

A gentle smile pierce into my heart. It was so gentle, that it was like created solely for this very moment.

No matter how hard I try to be strong.

No matter how hard to act like nothing happened.

No matter how hard I try to surpass my emotions.

No matter how hard I hold back my tears.

The very sight of him. The very sight of Arima Kousei is enough to crumble my giant fort of self composure.

"I'm so sorry…" I can't stop myself. I can't help myself to bury my head in his chest. His warmth make me feel safe, like it was the perfect turtle shell. I grip his shirt with enough force to rip it apart, as my nostril and tears mixed in the very same clothing.

"I'm so scared! I thought I gonna die…! I thought I can't meet you again! I… I did my best... I give my all to stay alive! And yet… and yet…!"

If I try to remember what happen before, it just make me more confused. I don't understand whatever experience I had, but I know if I let myself further- I probably can't go back.

The very thought that I was one step before the unknown scares me.

The very thought that I was prepared and nearly accepted it is frightening even more.

Just one step before my ultimate demise, you refuse me.

You ask me to dream again.

You ask me to face the cruel world that allow unlucky person like myself suffer again.

"I… I…!"

There is a lot of thing I want to say. Forgiveness, agony, gratitude, and many other things. But it so hard to construct some words when my emotion being like this.

"There… There…, you did it very well…"

Such a gentle boy.

He pat my head like a mother patting her baby. It so light, the way you patting my head is very contrasting with your rough, pianist hand. It's like you practicing it over and over again to gain the ultimate patting technique.

Arima Kousei…

You are…

"I.."

"OH MY! I'm totally okay being in front of hubby and wife! Don't mind me!" it was Watari-kun who interrupt the moment.

"Ah for your information! Before you wake up, Kousei being totally baby all over you! He kept bothering the doctor, he was like 'ah sensei, Miyazono-san is okay right? She is alright now is she?' and then the doctor give him an okay, but after that he kept asking the same question! Oh, he also skip school! He was so cool, he was like 'someone must stay until Miyazono-san wake up, it gonna be awkward if she wake up without anyone waiting.' And and…" Watari-kun keep ranting like crazy. Everything about him, every bit of detail, he told me all about it that I can't miss any.

"Stop Watari, stop!" Arima-kun look totally flustered, his face are bright red. He keep screaming "STOP!" but Watari-kun continue his rant anyway.

"Hahahaha… Ahahahaha!" I can't help myself to laugh.

When I'm started to laugh, I realize how refreshing laughter is.

All my regret, all the hard feeling, all the weight in my heart instantly gone.

As Victor Hugo said "laughter is the sun that drives winter from human face."

But now if I think about it, Arima-kun still wear his stage clothing. The very same blue colored jacket that he wore during our last duet. So what Watari-kun said was true, he kept waiting for me until I wake up. When I think about it, I can't help but flustered.

"Nice one Watari! Kao-chan finally smile!" Tsubaki-chan as usual, being loud and cheerful.

"Hmph! Aren't I'm cool!? After all I'm the cool guy that bring happiness to cute gi-"

"Geez, when I finally praise you…" And her abuse to the two boys never get old.

Now, because you all… because you guys I think finally I can face him properly.

Right now it would be okay.

"Hmmmphhh... haaaahhh." I take a big breath and release it, to mentally prepare myself.

I look at him, now straight and composed.

"What is it?"

"I want canelés."

* * *

"So goooood! So sweeeettt!"

"I'm never thought that your parents are patissiers, Kao-chan!"

"Hahaha... did I never told you?"

"How is it? My bewitching sweets skill? Whatever it's Japanese or Western sweets, the sweets itself will beg to be cooked by me!"

"Yes sir! This is so…. Ummmahh.. I can't describe it!"

It seems the reason for my parents absence when I wake up because they make these cakes. Indeed, my daddy cooking seems more tastier then before, or is it because I miss my parents food? Anyway I can't help my self to eat these canelés. They make to many cakes thought.

"Thank you Arima-kun, for all your trouble!"

"it no big deal, Miyazono-san's dad and mom. But seriously this cakes are extremely good!"

"Ah what's with the 'Miyazono-san', you're still being stiff about it! Arima-kun!"

"I… I don't know what are you talking about!"

As they continue to chat, the doctor come in.

"Excuse me! How did you feel, Miyazono-kun?"

"I feel very healthy. More importantly, thank you for everything you did to me, Sensei." This doctor was the very same person that treated me since I hospitalized. So I'm very familiar and respect him.

"Anyway, Miyazono-kun. I suppose this is a good news so I will let the other hear it. The operation was successful. We successfully resolved the bone marrow related problems in your body. However, we still need to regularly check your condition and you already being anemic in the first place." The doctor continue to explain my current condition. It seems the main disease already being taken care of. But my body being fragile and the after effects of the disease remain exist.

"Oh, this Tiramisu is good!" However, it hard to take him seriously as he speaks while eating those cakes too.

I suppose wound leave scars have a reason.

To remain you what is in the past.

To remain me that I once nearly died.

"Then…"

"You can start to go to school next week." The doctor cut before I finished my sentences.

"Aren't that good for you, Kaori?" my mom add it we a gentle smile.

Ahh…

I miss the school so much. I could cry again right now. I'm never feel this excited and happy to go to school before. The place where I can having fun with my friends.

But…

A stream of books come from Kashiwagi's bag to my bed. Each book have different color and picture in it; its had very descriptive, straightforward titles. Math, Physic, English, Biology, Art, Japanese, Chemistry, and… and…

"There is a lot of things you need to catch up, the final exams is coming."

The final exams. Right. What is it again?

"…"

"Welcome to reality."

My friends can be merciless sometimes. Especially Kashiwagi Nao will leave another scars in my heart.

* * *

Monday, 26 February.

Ma Fille patisserie.

"I'll go, mom! Dad!"

"Kaori do you want daddy to escort you too your school?" it was my dad. It seems he already prepared to use his car. As he wasn't in his usual cooking attire.

"No, I will walk by myself. It also works as my rehabilitation."

"Well, if you say so. Just don't force yourself and drink your medicine properly okay? If anything happen call your mom okay?"

"Right, right!"

"Wait, Kaori!" now my mom call me.

"What is it, mom?"

She hold a very, familiar and embarrassing _letter_ in her hand.

"Do you still want to give this to Ari-!"

I'm totally flustered. I quickly snatch the letter in her hand and quickly tear it off.

The letter had a very embarrassing content. In fact the entire contents are full of embarrassing thing.

It full of my personal feeling. If someone read it, it was like a crime suspect self-confessing to the police.

Now if I think about it, how could I wrote such crazy things like that? And asking my parents to give him to boot!

"Oh my… Is that okay? It's the only _photo_ you share with him."

"it's okay. If it's about photos I can make thousand more! Off I go!"

The sky look very clear today.

I wonder when springs come.

I wonder what awaits me next.

But I know, it gonna be a new start for me.

A fresh new start. Like a reset button.

Chapter 1 : Again -END-

* * *

 **Hello everyone. My name is Feelism! How was it? The first chapter of this fanfic?**

 **This is the first chapter that using Kaori's POV. Now let me talk about how nice and hard using Kaori as the main character. In the original series we rarely got to see the world of LYiA in her view, so it have a lot of things to be creative and expanded on. However staying true to her character can be challenging, because we only know Kaori in Kousei's POV. I don't want to write a character that only share the name with the original, but act like a different character, I hope I'm successfully grasp her personality.**

 **Some of you guys might not like I keep using Japanese honorific. I have my reason, Japanese honorific helps to identify characters, also I have some plans for development represented by change of honorific or dropping honorific to some characters.**

 **Until next time, see ya!**


	3. Chapter 2 : Tsubaki and I, Future

Chapter 2 : Tsubaki and I/Future

Wednesday, 28 February.

"I'm beat! No more!"

It was afternoon in the school's library. Everyday since I'm discharged, I started to take supplementary lessons. After that I go to library for "joint study and sharing" with my friends. But most of the time they just spent their time to tutor me.

"Don't stop now! Do you think how many times you have left before the exams!?"

Among them is Kashiwagi Nao, she was the diligent looking girl with ponytail hair. Like the impression she gave by her look, she quite smart and athletic. Her way to teach someone could be described as "effective like first rate teacher, but exhausting like sport coach."

"There, there! Kaori-chan already studying non-stop since school ended. She need some break."

The one that sided with me is Watari Ryota. He is the type that easily befriend girls and quite the fun person if you ask me. Being quite cool and the leader of the soccer club, it only natural that many girls like him.

"But… I suppose you are right. I'm also not taking Kaori frail body into account. To be honest, you're a fast learner."

"Aw come on don't praise me, compared to Kashiwa-"

"But at this rate you'll fail."

"Ugh!"

"Not to mention you're lazy."

"Ugh!"

"Are you even studying if we aren't around?"

"Stop-! Stop! Kashiwagi-san you're being mean! And I'm study at home okay? I'm not that lazy!"

Since I started tutored by her, we start getting closer as friend. Before, I only interact with her when we together with Tsubaki-chan. I'm start to know many sides of her, like how she into BL stuff.

"so you're not denying the lazy part?! Well, anyway it's time for me to go. Watari don't slack around okay? Do your job properly!"

"Of course." The way he said it doesn't sound very convincing.

"Thanks for your hard work." After all she was the one who tutor me everyday, she deserve at least my thanks or something better.

Kashiwagi-san just left the library. For some reasons she can only tutor me until 4 PM, that might also be the reason why she drill me like crazy.

There are reasons why Arima-kun and Tsubaki-chan are absent. For Arima-kun, whenever he around we started talk about music non-stop, that's why Kashiwagi-san ban him to join my tutor because he kept distracting our studies. Tsubaki-chan seems the type that can't study when there are many people around, I admit I was pretty surprised with that since most of the time she enjoy company.

Now only me and Watari-kun left.

"Why Kashiwagi-san always leave early? It's very odd because she very eager to teach me." I started a conversation to Watari-kun, or maybe it just an excuse because I feel tired to study anymore.

"You don't know? Kashiwagi was aiming for a very competitive and famous high school, it seems the requirements are totally high. She might be look calm but actually she is troubled too. I forgot what the school name thought! And if you have an energy to talk you better save it for studying." As usual Watari-kun like to add jokes in his conversation.

"Ahahaha! Aren't it was supposed to be very famous? How could you forgot?"

"I mean this Watari-san have consulted too many girls about their future choice! How could I remember every single of them? Ah that's wrong, you must substitute the mass before equating the potential energy."

"Ahahaha! Geez!"

He is very fun and nice person, I can see why he was so popular with girls. Not only that, he also quite the effective tutor too. Unlike certain person who constantly whine about everything!

"What about you Watari-kun? You seems very carefree about your future."

It only natural. After all the super diligent Kashiwagi-san also troubled with her own future. Why on earth this guy totally carefree?

"Ah, I already decided to enter a sport school in Tokyo. You see I get direct invitation to join them. I don't know what they saw in me because I'm never won any tournament unlike Kousei. But my good grades might help thought."

"Wow…. That super great! A direct invitation!"

I already know he was quite smart and have scholarships, but to think he got a direct invitation… He must be train and study really hard.

In the first place, to enter a sport school just being good at sports is not enough. Being exceptionally talented is one thing. But other than that, athletes must able to decide what tactic they need to use, or in other word- academic skill.

"You are so cool Watari-kun, awesome!"

"…"

However as I kept praising him, a silent atmosphere struck the entire library.

"Watari-kun? What's wrong…?"

"You know, you can drop it off."

What did he mean by drop it off?

Of course, I know what he talking about.

He talking about _my lie_.

"…, You find out? Since when?"

"Having many relationships with girls make me knew them better than themselves, that include you. I started to notice that you easily laugh with my jokes and agree with me. It totally unnatural." The usual goofy Watari-kun become a bit heavy in his word.

"Well, I'm totally support you guys hooked up anyway! So good luck!" he added it and restore the mood.

"Whhhh… You totally know everything!" my face bright red as he said something insensitive like that.

But even so…

"I'm sorry. For playing with your feeling all the time."

I can't forgive myself after feeling this guilty.

Even he know the truth he kept getting along with it to honor my feeling.

"It's fine! But if there is someone you need to consider her feeling, it might be Tsubaki."

Sawabe Tsubaki, my best friend that introduce me to Watari and Arima-kun. She also my best love rival, even if she doesn't know about it.

"You ask me I'm carefree about the future? I'm more concerned that we can kept our comfortable relationship like this. Among the three of us, she is the one who mentally fragile. She is the type that doesn't understand her own feeling."

"And that was close you know? I know you're in heat and confused but confessing out of the blue?" he added.

"Whhhhaaaa… whaaa… what…" I don't know what to say, because right now I'm totally flustered.

He saw everything inside me!

"I did say I'm support your relationship. But not in that kind of way. Not in the way without taking anyone feeling into account, that just selfish."

During the day I woke up after the surgery, I feel fuzzy and confused. I can't think anything straight, the very sight of him is enough to make all my emotions erupt uncontrollably.

In heat of the moment I nearly confess to him.

But Watari-kun interrupt my thunder.

Indeed if that happen, everything will be awkward.

I wiill hurt Tsubaki-chan.

And I can't go back to my past comfortable relationship.

"That's it for today, you better study hard or else you will fail. Think about what I said okay?"

"Yeah…"

That night I kept thinking about what Watari-kun said to me.

Resonating in my head.

Like a trumpet.

* * *

Thursday, 1 March

 _BAAAM!_

"Hello! I don't know why but I'm totally hyped for my cram lessons!"

Today was a great day. My supplementary teacher just praise me for my great History and Literature knowledge, it is one of the few subjects that I doesn't need to catch up. He also comment my understanding to Physic just get better from yesterday. When your hard work just showed in your face, it make me realize how effective this "joint study and sharing" thingy!

"Madame Drill! Smiley Face! I counting on you!" I point my finger in front of the door with totally determined face. I look like a delinquent.

"You look awfully hyperactive today…"

The one that answer me is the diligent looking yet scary teacher Madame Drill, or Kashiwagi-san. In her hand there is some kind of cram lesson book designed for entering famous high school, the size of that thing is totally enormous compared to my pebble ordinary book.

"Where is Smiley Face?"

"if you talking about Watari, he say that he can't come today. Geez that guy love doing whatever he want! And stop nicknaming people!"

What Watari-kun planning today? After all his lecture now he just gone somewhere, talk about being irresponsible.

So we start studying today.

I study so hard that before we knew it, it already 4 PM.

Most of the time Kashiwagi-san will leave around this time and Watari-kun's turn to teach me. However since he doesn't come so I suppose we will stop studying early.

"Hei, aren't this is already past the time we usually spend? What about your study, aren't you want to enter prestigious high school or something?"

"So you know about it, huh?"

"I'm sorry, I heard that from Watari-kun."

"No... it's not like I kept it secret or something. I just doesn't feel like it today."

"Heeh..."

I'm genuinely surprised. The diligent Kashiwagi-san just skip studying. Talk about out of character.

"You see… It's not like I really want to enter that school or something. It just my parents are very educative and highly intellectual. Since childhood they already told me that education triumph everything."

"…"

Even a diligent girl like Kashiwagi-san also had many problem. Now I feel ashamed that I once consider gave up as an option.

"So they indirectly told me to enter famed high school and how they would be disappointed if I didn't. It's not like I'm against the idea, but sometimes it tires me. After that Tsubaki introduce me too baseball, I just fall in love with that game- it's to much fun."

Tsubaki-chan, she is a very amazing girl. How can people just rotate around her?

Even Arima-kun and Watari-kun… You had everything that I don't have.

I'm envy her.

Why I can't be in her place?

"Well at this stage it's pretty much decided that my future will be revolved around it. If I want to back off, I should tell my parents sooner. So I just gonna give my best."

Future huh?

How could you can just face your problem like that?

How could you just accepted it?

How could you can casually smile about something your parents forced you to do?

Whenever I see both of them, Watari Ryota and Kashiwagi Nao. I feel there is a large wall that separates both of us. They can face reality and problem without shaken. Compared to me… I'm easily frustrated by everything that doesn't workout to me.

Even I didn't show it to them, whenever they leave I fall into breakdown hoping to end all of those nightmares.

I can only show lies to them.

A beautiful lie about a girl that doesn't know fear.

A blissful lie about a girl that lack of hesitation.

All this time I only want to show off to people, hoping to mislead them to believe what they saw as Miyazono Kaori.

I want them to be the truth.

I want to be that ideal Miyazono Kaori.

I don't want it to be mere lies.

"Now it's time for you to decide your future. At that time you doesn't answer me because you never thought that you will survive, right? But you do, so what do you really want? What do you want to be?"

"I…"

What I really want you say? To play in the same stage with Arima Kousei.

What do I want to be you say? To be a violinist that accompany Arima Kousei.

I'm never thought about it. Most of the time the only thing I chase is Arima Kousei. Whatever I do are for him, for me playing with him in the same stage is my goal. Now that dream is in my grasp, I'm at lost to decide what's next.

"Since you love music, what about to enter a high school with musical prestige?"

"A music school?"

"Well that just my suggestion. If you want to be a professional, I suppose it's the most obvious choice."

"… I don't know."

A music school. Similar to sport academy, it's some kind of institute that not focusing on the students academic ability but instead about their practical skills, in this case- music.

I heard there is a famous music school called Okutsu located outside this prefecture, in Tokyo I believe.

Many Japanese musician graduate from that school. However, I just never considering or even thinking about my future. All of my play are only for Arima Kousei's sake.

"Let me tell you a single advice. We live with other people, what you do and your future affect other people too. For example I already spend a lot of time to teach you, if you enter bad school or something worse I will be extremely disappointed. At least just think about entering a good school for your tutors shake!"

I thought my life will be a short one.

That's why I'm trying to eat whatever I want.

Doing whatever I like.

Without any visible consequences.

Trying to leave a trace of my existence.

But now, as Kashiwagi-san said. My future doesn't concern only myself alone, people around me also affected too.

For example, my parents gonna be super unhappy if I fail a grade.

Or what if, my behavior indirectly hurt someone? Like Tsubaki-chan.

That's why...

I need to change myself.

* * *

Ma Fille, Miyazono residence

"I'm home. Mom, dad."

"Oh Kaori, how did your studies today?" it was my mom opening the door. It seems my dad is going out somewhere, the shop already close early.

"It's doing good…" The way I said it isn't very convincing thought.

"That's good to hear. But more importantly, did something bugging you?" of course my mom see through me.

"…"

"You can always consult to mom you know? I'm once a teenager like you."

As mom said it, she ask me to sit next to her. As I sit, I lean my head to her shoulder.

"I just thinking about my future…"

"Oh my, aren't that great?"

"I'm always did everything I want without hesitation, without thinking the consequences. Just by believing it was the right thing to do, I can act without consideration to anyone. But lately everyone start talking about their future plan, what they want to do next, what high school they plan to enter. I feel like, I'm the only one left out."

As I let out my frustration to my mom, my mom pat my head gently.

"And then… There could be someone hurt because of me! What if I end up hurting someone? What if my thoughtless deed bring misfortune to anyone? I… I don't know, I'm never think about it! But then everyone start to bring it to me! So I'm getting more aware that definitely there is someone out there hurting!"

When I think that my action will hurt someone, I can't help too think about my friends.

Especially Tsubaki-chan. Among all of them, I think she was the one that hurt the most by my selfish action.

"You're such a gentle girl Kaori. Mom proud to you, you start becoming a considerate person."

As mom said that, she bring cheesecake and tea into the desk. She cut the cake to pieces enough for two people.

"You see… Everyone have different opinion about being an adult. But for me, the most important factor that you being aware to the other people around you. If there is one weakness you have my dear, that is you lack planning and consideration. Me and your dad want you to have a happy life, so I let you to do everything you please. But as things turning out better than we expect, you must face the consequences."

When my mom told me about it, I can't help to agree with her. She is my mom after all, even the message is the same as what the other has said. It much easier to accept when It spoken from someone that understand me.

The message still the same.

She told me to prepare the future.

She told me to face the consequences.

"Aren't you too… Hurt because of it?"

"Eh?"

"You cry just now, so it means that you also hurt because of it. You don't want someone hurt, you want everyone being happy. If both you and that person also hurt, aren't you two in the same boat? People with similar problem can connect with each other."

Me and Tsubaki-chan, are the same?

"Then, I think you two can resolve this, it's not to late."

-Tsubaki and I/Future END-

* * *

Hello again, Feelism is here!

Reading other people's fiction just make me grin, it's crazy how one show ending can create a lot of these amazing fics. When I read other fiction with similar theme as mine (Kaori survival), I was like "so you can go into this kind of route too! I'm never think about it!" After all we love the same show. Naori Arakawa is one hellish mangaka!

The center of this chapter are Tsubaki, even thought she doesn't show up in this chapter. I'm once say that Kaori past actions will be an important plot point, well this is one of them. I don't know what to say- but hereby I officially start the first (mini) arc, the Tsubaki arc!


	4. Chapter 3 : Tsubaki and I, Confession

**Chapter 3 : Tsubaki and I/Confession**

"He still practicing in midnight, huh?"

 _DUM DA DA!_

The sound of a piano echo through the neighborhood. It was very tinder, gently pressed, yet fast and accurate way of playing piano. The wave created by the instrument make my window vibrate slightly.

"Kousei! Don't you think you should study a little bit?" I open my window and yell to my friend, Kousei who live next door.

"If I don't practice my ability will rust, and I'm sure Otsuka didn't accept lousy pianist." He answer while playing the piano.

"True, but you plan for taking the normal test right?"

There is two way to enter such Music School. One is having an achievement in musical field, second by taking the entrance exam, which testing both academic and musical abilities. You could say that this school only accept polished gems that catch everyone eyes and undiscovered gems that had the potential to shine brightly. Kousei was once planning for the first, but from how things turned out it seems his only choice is the latter.

"Don't worry, I already had my share of study, what about you, Tsubaki?"

"Hehe! Its quite smooth, I would say! So far, all the simulation tests are above B! Kashiwagi even surprised!"

Simulation test like the name indicate, a mock test which simulate entrance exams that schools provides. While it wasn't accurately predict what subjects will be tested, it is a quite effective method for students to be used with competitive and unpredictable test environment.

"You already have your dinner, Kousei?"

"Yes, my dad was home today and he bought some sushi. He also bought it for you too, it is in the freezer."

"Really!? I will go to your house ASAP!"

Because we live next door and our family already quite familiar with each other, they treat the other children like their own family. Kousei's dad is rarely at home, but when he do- he always treat me with luxurious food.

As I rush to his house, I took out the ultra premium looking sushi and go to the piano room.

"Yo!"

"That was fast…"

Well I'm sorry for super excited to a luxurious sushi.

 _DUM DANG DANG_

"What song do you playing right now?"

It's not like I'm actually interested, but I just want a topic to chat.

"Requiem."

"I know that, it was the ironic music that Mozart create for someone who recently passed away, but it turn out the song was for his own death."

"You sure studying a lot huh?"

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

 _DUM DUM DUM DUM!_

The story of "death song" Requiem was quite famous and mentioned in History subjects. It's a very powerful piece of music that even a complete newbie like me can easily tell how sad and heart shaking the music is.

 _DUM DUM DUM DUM!_

There are many version of requiems out there, each of them is a legendary music on its own. But when people specifically said "The Requiem" of course they always talking about Mozart's.

Beep! Beep!

A very different sound appear in the room. In contrast with the classical and echoing piano, this one sounds very mechanical.

It was my phone.

It seems someone text me in the middle of the night.

 _Chat : Kaori_

 _Hi! \\(°v°)/_

Kao-chan? What her business in midnight?

 _Re: Hello!_

 _What are u doin'?_

 _Re: Nothing, just lazing around. *w*_

 _LOL me too! We quite similar then! Wohoo~ lazy people! ,_

Similar huh? Would be nice if it's true.

 _Re: So what is it?_

 _I just think… We rarely go out together since I'm hospitalized. Now I'm discharged I want to hang out with you or something like that…_

 _Re: 0w0 a date? 0w0_

 _°A°) NO!_

 _Re: Oh so you want to self celebrate your discharge? Oh my-my :P_

 _(;_;) stop bullying me! Anyway do you have plan on Friday?_

 _Re: No, I'm free._

 _Sweet! next Friday okay? Let's hang out in the mall! :)_

 _Re: Right._

 _And also there is something important that I want to tell you._

 _Re: Huh?_

* * *

Friday, 2 March.

A Certain Mall

"Hi! Sorry did I took your time?"

"Yo! Don't worry about it. Huh? School uniform?"

"Well, I still need to study in school because there is a lot of things to catch up. On the other hand, what's with your super cute get up? Don't tell me you actually excited for hanging out with me?"

"Ugh, that's payback from last night, isn't it!?"

It seems there is a hole in my plan. Kashiwagi-san and my parents are not pleased with me hanging out while I'm so behind in my study. I need to take "Break exam" that specifically created by Kashiwagi-san, and I just barely pass.

Compared to me, Tsubaki's attire is the very definition of casual clothing. On a single glance, one can see that she thoughtfully think about every component of her clothes to match perfectly.

"So where do we go?"

"Ah… I never thought about it."

I mean, it took courage for just asking you out and thinking what I should say to not ruin the mood.

"Well then, what's about that café over there? I heard their ice creams are the best around here!"

"Ice creams? Oh man, it's feel like forever since the last time I had one!"

"Well then, it's decided!"

Then we enter the café and sit at the table in the edge. As I predicted the café filled with girls hanging out, there is also a few couple too. The café design seems to take on the idea that people want to chat and stuff, so all the table in the edge had a small wall that block other people gaze. While it doesn't prevent people overheard our conversations, it certainly give us some sense of protection and privacy.

"So… Umm…"

"All of them look delicious!"

I don't know what I want to order!"

"I guess when everything looks good, it's also a problem…"

We spent our time to choose which ice creams we want to order, around 30 minutes wasted, I guess?

"Here your orders, please enjoy your dish!"

The first one is my order, it was named "frozen royale." While it sounds very random, the big plate composed of 5 different flavored ice creams, surrounded by variety of crisps plus some apple, honey and caramel sauce mixed in, which really gave grandiose impression. Truthfully, It looks classy, but it's actually a really simple dish.

Compared to mine, Tsubaki's "lava plume" look small in comparison. On the outside, it just look like a simple scoop of ice cream with some topping. But once someone slices the ice cream, it reveals a pool of warm chocolates inside, true to its name. I don't understand how its work, but it seems to use some kind of food gastronomy.

"Thanks for the food!"

"Thanks for the food!"

"Uwaahh, so sweet!"

"Ah the contrast between warm chocolate and cold ice cream!"

"Man… I feel like alive once again! Well, in a sense, I do back from the dead! Hahahaha!"

"…Kao-chan…"

"Why so gloomy? Did my jokes really that bad!?"

"Its sound very terrible, I mean, if another person says that to you, it will destroy your mood. Like cliché flashbacks and stuff. But knowing you, you will not even care about it anyway!"

Good… good! That set the mood quite nicely. I search on the net that if someone want to talk about heavy stuff with friends, you can't just straight to the point. If anything, someone must talk about unnecessary stuff that will lead to the actual topic. It will eventually ruin the mood, but depending on your approach, the discussion can end differently.

So we continue our little chats until finished our foods. Now we are quite relaxed I suppose it's a good time to bring the real topic.

*breathing and sighing* I take a deep breath and embolden my self.

"There is something that I want to confess."

* * *

Since that message, I keep thinking what Kao-chan want to tell about. I keep thinking about it but I didn't find any clue.

What is this important thing you want to tell me?

What so important about it to the point you must to tell me in person?

Why you can't straight to the point?

It's keep bugging me! Like a leaked pipe, you know there is something wrong, but you didn't able to find out where are the ripped parts.

And so I waited for it.

"There is something that I want to confess."

It's here, the answer I waited for.

"I didn't have feelings for Watari-kun."

 _Huh?_

What do you mean? What is my business about you love Watari or not?

No…

Don't tell me...

"You see, I really want to be introduced to him, but not for such reason."

Stop…!

"So I want to meet him. So I can close to _that boy_."

Don't say it anymore! I don't want to hear it…!

"The person that I love is Arima Kousei."

…

...

"…"

"You see… Since that performance, I always looking at him as someone inspiring. We always looking at him like a dream, maybe as a rival, or as someone we admire, and as someone to overcome. Every single of us look at him differently… and what I wanted is to stand in the same stage as him."

"Don't talk anymore…"

"I-I'm sorry for decei-"

"SHUT UP! All of you! You people always stole Kousei from me! I'm the one who always took care of him! Just because you aspire the same thing as him, didn't mean you have the right to stole him!"

"But I….! I always envy you for the exact reason! I want to be someone who know everything about him, like you do! Aren't that means we stand in the same ground!?"

"There is no way… we are the same! Because…"

The difference between us, the single thing that differentiate us in a big margin.

He love you.

 _Kousei love Kaori._

The simple fact is enough to make the wide distance between us.

But, I thought you love Watari. That's mean Kousei didn't had a single chance to compete with him. So I waited for him to gave up, so I can be his second choice.

But now… that you two are in love with each other, there is no place for me to stand beside him.

That's why saying 'we are the same' are an arrogant thing to say.

"Because…?"

"That's it, I'm going home!"

Its better end this discussion before things start getting crazier.

"Wait-! Please… Just hear me out!" As she yell, she grab my hand.

"Don't touch me!"

"Penalty! Cheaters must receive a penalty! That's how things always going in sport games!"

"What?"

I don't know why I stopped there. I'm very irritated with this conversation and yet…

"I'm sorry ladies, but you two disturb other customers." Say the man who appear to be the manager.

"Ah."

"Ah."

I think we can't set our foot to this café again.

* * *

Sumitani Middle School library

The library like always, have a quiet and serious atmosphere. Contrary on the usual stereotypes, the library girl is quite strict and wouldn't hesitate to kick people out from the library. She seems take her responsibility as a librarian way too seriously.

In a desk near the window, there is a girl and a boy reviewing a special exam they made for certain person.

'Hey…" the one that started the conversation is the diligent looking girl with ponytail hair.

"Don't you think, we are going to far?" she added.

It seems she concerned about something. The way she said it sounds like she regret and guilt about her deeds.

"I know you value your friendship, but... she already going through a lot of suffering from her illness."

"That's exactly why." The boy finally spoke.

"…?"

"If she was just your ordinary girl, I would never dare to do such cruel thing."

The boy stare at the window, thinking about something that the girl unable to understand. He stares to the field where the soccer club usually train. The very same club that he once lead, now the position was passed down to a very reliable junior.

"But I believe in her. Someone who face all of her trouble with a smile, never give up until the very end. She definitely able to bear this burden."

When the boy say that, there is no sign of malice or trickery in his face. What he said was true to his heart, but at the same time he disgusted to his own self.

What he did was undeniably the right thing.

But is it the best way?

"You're really like her don't you?"

The boy stay silent. He doesn't answer the girl question with words.

But he gave a honest smile as an answer.

* * *

Arima residence.

 _DAM DAM DAM DA DA_

*Knocked door*

"Kousei? Can I-"

"Usually you just bark in Tsubaki, why suddenly being formal?" the boy cut her sentences with snarky remarks. It show how familiar they were with each other.

"Right…" the girl come in and watch the boy playing the big instrument.

As usual the room always lively from the sound of a piano. But compared to the noisy sounds that the piano create, the room atmosphere is depressingly quiet.

As far as the boy concerned, there is nothing wrong with them. The heavy atmosphere solely created by the girl internal thought about a recent event.

She just stand there, staring at the boy.

She stand long enough that the boy start getting worried.

"Tsubaki… You just standing all the time, it's something wrong?"

"No…"

 _DUM-_

Suddenly he stopped playing piano.

"Did I do something that bother you?"

"It's not like that…"

"Then what is it?"

"J-just play the damn piano already! Stupid Kousei!"

"…? What's wrong with you?" He look dumbfounded.

 _DUM DUM DUM DA DA!_

The boy started playing the piano again, still confused with how the girl acting weirdly. Despite that, there is no sign from him dropping his performance.

 _Why the hell you become considerate now? Most of the time you just play piano like there is nothing happening! You choose the worst timing possible to care! Ah damn it…! I don't care anymore!_

The girl thought about his unusual concerns, nonetheless she actually happy about it.

She try to made up her mind.

"K-Kousei…!"

"?"

"I'm about to say something embarrassing right now!"

"?"

"I…!"

What she is trying to do right now is similar to try gathering water without a solid vessel. No matter how many time she gather the water, some water will always leaking out. She will try to gather them again, but of course it will leak out again. It create an endless loop until the girl give up.

But even so…

She doesn't want to lose to her.

There is a girl she envy, that girl have everything she doesn't have.

But at the same time that girl must face a lot of trouble that she can't imagine.

That girl have the absolute right for being selfish.

And yet…

 _Because what I did is wrong, I believe I deserve a penalty or something like that._

 _That's why I give you a head start, you're free to do anything._

 _You are someone who always by his side, if there is anyone that he can accept as his partner, it's you._

She doesn't use such privileges.

Her selfishness is beyond imagination, she thought.

In the first place, there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Whoever in the boy side since childhood, or someone who adores his musical ability, or someone who just know him last year doesn't make any difference.

Everyone has the right to love someone.

But even so, that girl choose the choice where everyone got their happy ending, except her.

It was noble and foolish. She allow her rival to have an advantage, fully understood that her rival had a high chance to win. As long she can preserve their relationship.

It could be said that she choose the painful path of a hero of justice.

But that's also why she disgusted to herself.

Compared to that girl, all this time she only thought about her well being. She think the world being unfair to her, she thought she doesn't deserve any torments.

she clenched her teeth.

She doesn't want to lose to that girl.

And so she made up her mind.

She choose the path that will not lose to that girl.

The path of a hero.

"I LOVE YOU KOUSEI!"

"…"

He blush.

* * *

"I did the right thing didn't I?"

The girl with messy long blonde hair walking in the road. It's unclear whatever she on the way home or just having a walk.

Whoever passing by can understand with a single glance that the young lady think about something. And yet they couldn't understand whatever the girl is in a good mood or not. Not even the girl herself know about her true feelings.

But she fully understood she did the right thing.

The girl know she did many sinful act in the past and now she try to atone those sins. Because there is nothing more wonderful than able to clear your bad deeds before something divine punish you.

So the girl continue forward, she know many wonderful things gonna happen in her new life. Something bitter like a cup of coffee can be enjoyed if you used by it. That just part of human life, good and awful thing happen in a daily basis.

That's how is it to be an adult.

A responsible adult that people expect her to.

But it was undeniably hurt in her chest.

 **-Chapter 3 : Tsubaki and I/Confession END-**

* * *

 **Long time no see! I'm Feelism!**

 **First of all, I want to apologize because this chapter take super long time to be released. While there is not deadline or anything (as this is a fanfic), I actually limit my self for at least to post new chapter once in 2 week. But a lot of thing happens, so I fail to do so.**

 **The first thing that block me is mid-term. Unlike the mid test during high school, my college mid test didn't had any schedule for you to prepare. The faculty only tell you "this month is gonna be the mid test season, ganbaroo** ¬ **", so students was expected to learn and study for the entire month and the professors can spontaneously say "suck to be you guys, today we mid test!" It was actually very fun and effective way to force students to study.**

 **The second thing is... Fate/Grand Order. Well if nobody knows about it, it's a mobage... featuring Fate/Zero and Fate/Stay Night Servants, there is also characters from the other Fate franchise too! I was a big fans of Kinoko Nasu's work (second only to Kamachi's To aru Majutsu no Index), or Fate franchise in general. I would rambling about Primate Murder, ORT and stuff, but let's not bring my TM fanboys side! In short, I'm very addicted to F/GO, normally I wouldn't play games.**

 **The third is that I was thinking about where the directions this fanfic should go. While the outline already made inside my head, I need to revisit some stuff and changes things as I see fits.**

 **This chapter actually supposed to be two chapters. But I think there is too much about Kaori and Tsubaki moeblob-panderings, so I cut those parts. But once I cut those moeblobs it was actually very shorts, so I fuse them.**

 **The name of this chapter is... very straightforward. There is many secret meaning in this chapter, that what I wanted to say.**

 **Until next time, if my professors not being an ass, see ya!**


	5. Chapter 4 : Harmonious Rainbow

**Chapter 4 – Harmonious Rainbow**

Friday, 9 March.

"Phew…! That was hard!"

The final exams end today. Most of Japanese school end the semester on early March, but because some certain circumstances it pushed back for a week. Understandably, many students and parents protested because its troubled their plan to enter high school. But in my case, it helps me a lot.

Thought I gave my all during the so called 'Join and sharing study' from Watari-kun and Kashiwagi-san, it still gave me a lot of trouble. Well, its more unbelievable if I can ace the exams despite missing a semester worth of classes.

"Good work, I think you did great for someone that only studying for 1 week."

Meanwhile, Kashiwagi-san is unhinged as ever.

"But you know, it actually crazy that we aren't troubled with the final exams being pushed back. A lot of parents seems very angry too. Not like I'm the one to talk because it work great for me."

"Well, the schools and teachers pull an amazing stunt that manage to convince them somehow. Not only that, their ability to teach is way beyond the league that an external studying facilities can provide. They also compensated it with upping the final exams difficulty. So the students do not suffer the difficulty jump between final exams and entrance exams."

"So it worked on our favors in the end."

As we chit chat and comparing answers, which I regret it a lot, many students come out from the class.

"Hello Miyazono-san! Do you want to hangout with us?"

"Hey! I think she should come with us girls today!"

"No fair! We invite her first."

"We should celebrate your discharge! We are sorry because we can't celebrate it sooner, since we are very focused with the final exams."

"Hahaha, guys don't mind it."

They are my classmates. They always a cheerful bunch with their own quirks and dynamics. But I never thought we are these close, so their concerns are surprising. I always thought there is a big gap between us, except for the girls of course. But seems like it is not the case?

"But I have some business with the teachers today, so the other day okay? I will come to Masato-kun's birthday."

"You remember my birthday!?"

"Okay guys let's make Masato's birthday as big as ever be!"

"I don't feel like that you guys actually celebrate my birthday!"

"Ahahahaha!"

"Okay then! See you soon, Miyazono-san."

As they left, Kashiwagi-san comes with an inaccurate remark.

"You seems very popular."

"What? No way, they always try to avoid me for some reasons."

*chuckles* "Pfft, I never thought you are dense! You guys actually alike."

"I really don't get it."

We walk away and go to the next classroom, which the class where Arima-kun and the other is.

"Sup'!"

"Yo Watari-kun!"

Unsurprisingly, Watari-kun finish earlier than the others.

"How is the test?" As one of my tutors its only natural that was the first thing he ask.

"I give my all, I guess?"

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure the teachers will give some exceptions for you!"

"Knowing the teachers will reel my scores doesn't make me feel better."

"Geez when did you start sound like Kashiwagi?"

"Oh Hello! You might not realize it but I'm here and totally happy with your remark."

"Exactly what I talking about."

As we continue to chatter, soon Arima-kun and Tsubaki-chan come out from the class, together. Well Its natural as they were a couple now…

"Hi guys! How is the test?"

"Is that what you say to every people you meet from now on?"

"You still on it, Kashiwagi-san?" Watari-kun uncharacteristically polite to her. Or is that sarcasm?

"Well I think I did well." Arima-kun answers.

"Me too, but let's not talk about exam. Let's talk about vacation plan!" And so Tsubaki-chan.

"I think we should concern about entrance exams, Tsubaki."

"Well that's true, but we should cool the tensions a little bit don't you think?"

"I agree, studying non stop make me crazy." That's me.

"Well you did cram a semester worth of study in a week."

We continue to chat about our plans until we run out of topic.

"Hey, how does your playing violin lately? I never heard you play again after you discharged."

As Arima-kun bring a familiar topic, I remember something very dear to me.

The violin.

"…"

"…!" I comically shocked about the realization.

"I completely forget about it!"

"What!?" They comically shocked about the realization too.

"B-but that like the entire character of you! How could you forgot?" Watari-kun try to make everything funny like always.

"Its like Naruto without his whiskers Kao-chan. That just wrong." Tsubaki-chan bring a very irrelevant topic to this already irrelevant topic.

"I thought that would be the first thing you had in mind!" I'm actually surprised too, Arima-kun.

"…" Kashiwagi-san just stand there, with her mouth open.

"Well there is a lot of things in my mind like my health, stuff that I miss, something that I want to eat, and the final exams. I hardly have the time for it, so…"

As I continue to explain, the teacher that I want to meet come to us.

"Miyazono-kun, just as I said earlier, you still not decided what you want to be in the future."

"Yes Sensei. I decided, I want to be a professional violinist!"

A professional violinist.

I said it clearly, to be a pro, not to enter some high school. I once have doubts in mind for whatever I want to do in the future. But the most thing I good at and enjoys are music.

I glance at him and smile smugly, knowing that I once again walk in front of him.

For the first time ever, I, Miyazono Kaori took a step forward from the others.

Arima-kun look at me in awe.

"Hmmph, that what I want to hear. A decisive answers!"

"And for that! I will apply to Otsuka School of Music! The best music academy in Kanto!"

"Huh?" Arima-kun look surprised.

"You want to enter Otsuka too!?"

And soon, I surprised too.

* * *

"Bye guys!"

"See you two soon!"

We part from the gang as we want to talk about our plan. Since we want to enter the same school. I'm surprised at first, but it only natural that he want to enter. Because it's the best music school out there.

"So… You seriously wanted to enter Otsuka?" Arima-kun start the conversation.

"Of course, why wouldn't? You dislike the idea?"

"More like shocked… I actually feel happy about it."

D-did he always this honest?

"A-anyway is that okay to leave Tsubaki-chan behind? Considering... your relationship with her?"

"Tsubaki? That exactly why I trust her going home alone."

Their relationship are already in such mutual understanding. That's good… of course.

"She is always stronger than me. Sometimes people mistake her as a boy, compared to her I am a total crybaby back then…"

Their bond that forged since childhood. Such strong bond can't be severed by any means. Not from someone that just recently be a part of his life.

"But now, I started to doubt it. She is more considerate than what I thought her to be."

Somehow he smile as he said that. What did he feels? Relieve? Love?

The more I heard him, the more I understand how important she is to him. The more I understood that, the more I know that I doesn't have a place to stand beside him.

I already made up my mind for it and I don't want to broke that. Whatever how I personally feels about it, I should fix what I make it wrong in the first place.

"I see… Back to Otsuka topic! I heard that Otsuka is very strict and not too shy to expel students during some kind of hellish training camp, like those cooking schools. That sounds scary."

"I don't think Otsuka took such extreme. Competitive might be, but certainly those cooking schools you talking about are only exist in fiction."

"Right? Internet is a very dumb place sometimes!"

For your information, I actually know that Otsuka is not hell on Earth like the net described.

I repeat, I KNOW about it.

I just wanted to ice break the situation, okay!?

"But more importantly, we have debt that we not yet fulfill…"

"Debt?"

"You know, our promise to play together. Do you want to do it again? Performing together on stage?"

When he said that, I remember all the fun and efforts I put into. Even it's actually only brief moment I set foot on stages, the impression still stick like a glue in my mind.

The dazzling stages.

The tense and excitement when set foot in front of many audiences.

Such nostalgic feeling.

"Pfft- Ahahahaha! Hahaha of course it is!"

"What so funny about it? I being serious you know?"

"No- it just that, I find this ironic! Or I should call it fate? Don't you think the situation become reversed?"

"That's right… At that time, you're the one who drag me to stage again."

"You already grown from the wimp camera voyeur I met at the park!"

That's right, there is no way to regret our meeting. Without that I might not survive for this moment, I might already gave up everything. All this year we encourage each other, I thought I'm the one that guided him, but I actually depends on him too.

"Hmph- bring it on! So when do we start?"

"Well for the starter, I'm not gonna be your accompanist. Don't slow me down!"

"You too! You better be prepared or you can't keep up with me!"

"I know someone that able to teach us, but more importantly you should got permission from your parents to enter Otsuka."

"I will convince them somehow!"

Especially my dad would be the easiest to convince! He is my best bud!

"That's good too hear."

"Well then, see you soon! On our high school stage!"

* * *

Ma Fille, Miyazono residence

"NO! I SHOULDN'T ALLOW YOU TO LIVE ALONE!"

Reality ensue.

"Dear aren't you being too hard on her?"

"Of course I am! How I would allow my only daughter to live alone? And your body is frail, what if something happen to you?"

She thought it would be easy to convince them. However, as much as easy going her dad is, he is still a father of a sole daughter.

She never saw this side of her father before. The fury and scary expression he had are enough to crumble her will.

"I would take my medicine routinely, don't wor-"

"That's not gonna be enough!"

"But dad-"

"Back to your room, at once!"

"-! B-but…"

"BACK! TO YOUR ROOM!"

"…"

As she ran away to her room, her parents start talk about their concerns.

"Dear…"

"I can't help it, she is my only daughter. A month ago I nearly lose her, I can't go through that again."

"I know, I feel the same. But you know someday she will live alone, without us. She might got a job, have a family and we can't be around her forever."

"But her body is frail, what if something happen?"

"That exactly it, if we let her too dependent on us… Once we die, how does she will manage herself? We can't dot her forever."

"…"

"I want her to live like the other kids. Chasing their own dream, experience the world. Aren't this is what we try to save in the first place?"

"…"

* * *

I never thought he will against it that strongly.

My dad is always doting me and grant my wish, I thought he gonna be the one that support me.

Its not that easy huh?

But if I think about it what did I just say was outrageous. A girl like me, that can collapse anywhere without warning, live alone in the city? What madness is this?

As I can't hold my emotion anymore, tears start to run from my eyes.

What a joke.

But even so, that's it? My dream just gonna be crushed like this? In the end, I'm never conquering my weakness at all. Once again, my frail body become the biggest obstacles in my path.

Tsubaki-chan gonna leave this town to pursue her dream.

Kashiwagi-san will go to Tokyo and enter a prestigious high school.

And so Watari-kun will enter a sport school to refine his talent.

Arima-kun will enter Otsuka without me.

And I will be here alone.

I-I don't want to be leave alone! I want to do something meaningful too! Not like this, not bounded to this place!

I…

"Kaori! Come down, dad want to say something!"

It seems my dad has calmed down a little bit. But even so I'm still scared to face him.

I quickly wiped the tears from my face. I don't want to look weak in front of people.

"Okay…"

As I answer him, I walk slowly to the living room, still scared to face him. I can't help to imagine his fury, yelling loudly with a grim look.

However, what I see was different from the expected. My dad look very calm and collected.

"Sit down." He said calmly.

I quickly sit at the nearest sofa, still tensed and tilting my head down.

He take a deep breath.

"Are you really serious about this?" he ask gently.

"Y-yes." I carefully pick my word to make sure I didn't offend him in any way.

"This is not because your friends push you or anything right?"

"Well… I really want to be a professional musician. They indeed ask me what I wanted to be, but this decision is entirely my choice." I don't want to fool him, so I answer honestly as I can.

"Will you promise me a few things?"

When he said that, I know what I will hear. The very thing that I wanted to hear. I know he will give me his permissions.

My heart start racing really fast. I anticipate what he want to say in excitement.

"First, you shouldn't ever miss your daily medicines. Drink them routinely, on schedule, without any exception. Every month you should check your conditions here, in the usual hospital."

"I will drink them routinely!" I answer him like a soldier answer to his boss.

"Second, you must be serious about it. Study hard and don't let the city lifestyle derail your education."

"C-certainly!"

"Last, I want someone watch over you. Just in case there is something happen to you, I want this person be there to help you. Someone that I can trust."

"…"

"Did the last one is too hard for you? But, daddy will not change his condition."

"Actually… Arima-kun i-is planning to enter Otsuka too."

I doomed. Just when my dad gave me permission, the only fulfillment to his last condition is a boy. A boy to watch over their daughter. He totally will be outrageous about it.

Totally.

"Well that actually better than I expected."

Of course it is.

Wait what?

"What?"

"I mean Arima-kun is a good kid. He is very care about you too. I remember when he come to hospital to check your condition, man he is so cool back then! Remind me of my younger self!" He start to act like his usual goofy self.

"B-but dad he is a boy! A girl and a boy together is kinda-!"

"Nah he is not gonna do any of it! He is a total wimp for that kind of thing, I can see that the way he react when I tease him!"

"Wha-!"

"I more concerned that you will be the one that push that kind of thing, to be honest!"

"Is that something a dad would say to his daughter!?"

"Well anyway if he is there, then it's good. I will call your teacher for his parent's contact."

For real?

I can enter Otsuka? He give me permission for it?

"Now then, go finish what you started. Study hard and pass the entrance exam, dad will handle the rest."

"Thank you so much dad! I love you so much."

I can see it on the end of the road. There is a light that illuminates the path.

High school. Otsuka.

Arima-kun.

Here I come!

* * *

Saturday, 10 March.

Hiroko Seto's residence.

DUM DA DA DUM!

"Good work like always."

"…"

"Thanks, Hiroko-san."

It's already a routine for Arima Kousei too train his piano skill under Hiroko Seto's guidance. Their relationship already to the point where Hiroko consider him as her own son. Meanwhile Aiza Nagi just lazing around in the sofa, playing with little Kohaku.

"…"

"What's wrong Nagi?"

"I still doesn't understand why Arima-sensei screwed up that day."

"That's…" Kousei visibly troubled to answer Nagi's remark.

Nagi attitude since Kousei's last performance only gotten worse. She seems very discouraged and doesn't want to do anything. Hiroko start wondering why she still coming.

"Well, he actually not screwed. He did that by himself."

"That actually the part where I didn't understand."

"Its teenagers kind of thing, Nagi. I didn't expect you to understand."

"I'm a teenager too, you know."

"Then you're not yet going through the full teenager experience."

*DING DONG*

The sound of door bells ring across the room.

Unlike the other time, it seems this house got extra company. The extra is a girl named Miyazono Kaori, which Kousei invite her to practice. Unlike many musicians here, Kaori isn't a pianist, rather- a violinist. In the past, she practiced piano but quickly drop it in favor for violin.

While Hiroko is mostly a pianist, but she is professional enough to able to judge and analyze other instruments as well. Such skill requires talent and experience to notice errors in instrument simply by observation.

"I think that was her, I'll check."

Kousei quickly go to the front door and come back with Kaori.

"Hiroko-san, you already met her few times. But she never properly Introduce herself."

"Good morning, my name is Miyazono Kaori a violinist. Thanks for your kindness."

"Nice to meet you, Kaori. Well then let's get to the business."

"…" Nagi stare at Kaori like a cat looking to her rival.

"I want to hear you guys playing together."

As Hiroko said that, the young musicians start preparing their respective instruments.

Kaori put a hairpin to make sure her hair not distract her eyes while performing. After that, she relaxed her shoulder and put her violin in horizontal manner. This stance called the Shoulder Rest. Meanwhile Arima already adjusted his usual position.

As Kaori glance Kousei, he give a nod as a signal that he ready.

DUM DA DA!

TWEET!

Sounds burst, the two instruments create their distinctive sounds harmoniously, yet competitively race against each other to create the most unique sounds ever created.

The astonishing duo has returned.

And the music world might not be ready.

 **Chapter 4 – Harmonious Rainbow -END-**

* * *

 **Long time no see! Feelism here.**

 **This chapter is rather straight forward in content if you ask me. I really enjoy writing this one.**

 **This kinda awkward. I really like writing this chapter and yet, it is the most chapter that I don't know what to ramble. I could ruin it with my usual excuses and complains but… I just didn't want to.**

 **Anyway I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.**


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